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The world was square. How or why or just when it had stopped being a circle and become a square, nobody knew for certain. Some of them pointed out that the world was not a "square," was, in fact, a "cube," but all of the people who said things like that were squares anyway. Now, changes in the world were normal parts of life (after all, you couldn't seriously expect it would always rain or always be sunny, nor that the world would be perpetually flooded or in drought), but, even so, this was a rather major change by anybody's calculations.
Despite the revolutionary nature of this particular change, most people took it in stride. So the world was square, so what? Bills continued to be paid and the utilities continued to run. If the world had decided it wanted to be a square, that was an issue for the philosophers to debate or the scientists to study. For most people, it was just another hassle. For instance, the maps had to be slightly redrawn to accommodate what before this would have been geographical absurdities, and all of the spinning globes had to be recalled and spinning cubes issued in their place. Some people even had to cross from one of the six faces of the earth to another one on their way to work. This had to be done very slowly, however, to ensure that you didn't jettison yourself into the exosphere and fall off the face of the earth. Gravity was still in effect, naturally, no matter what shape the earth became. Cube, sphere, pyramid, it really didn't matter. The only problem was that gravity was very weak along the edges, and seemed to only really work on the six faces.
So Jim, having just read about this in the morning papers, sat in the middle of his living room with a blank look and an empty head as though he was either a lobotomy patient or in shock. It wasn't that Jim was a moron or that his face was inexpressive, because both of those things were completely untrue. Jim was actually very intelligent and rather proud of what intellectual powers he possessed, although there was certainly a great deal of people with prettier and more elastic faces than his. Jim had woken up to find that the earth was square, and this was naturally somewhat disconcerting to him (but not earth-shattering as the saying went).
He had gotten up with his hair standing stiff and straight up on the right side of his head from accumulated stress, dirt, and the molding effects of sleep, pulled on a bathrobe that had been a Christmas present from his much richer friend, and staggered outside to grab his paper and the mail, which he had neglected to bring in the previous night. This done, he sat down on the floor with the white envelopes smelling of glue and opened them. It was because of this unforeseeable mistake that he sat on the floor with the empty head and blank look.
The first letter was from Harvard Law School to which he had applied several months earlier, only a little while before completing his undergraduate studies at Stanford and graduating near the top of his class.
To Mr. Jim Finnick,
We regret to inform you that your application to Harvard Law School has been denied.
etc.
Sincerely,
[Illegible photocopied scrawl]
Dean of Admissions
This was a tad bit disappointing. He had higher hopes from the next one on which he set his sights. Perhaps a check.
Dear Mr. Jim Finnick,
You're fired.
Sincerely,
Jackson & Dale
P.S. Please return the fifty dollars you stole from the cash register last week. Don't make us involve the authorities.
They did not include a check. The next one was bound to hold some good news, however, and so he opened it with the hopes of three letters riding on one.
Dear Jimmy,
I've made up my mind. I am not going to marry you. Last night I agreed to marry Sierra, who gives me things you can't even begin to dream of. If you wonder why I left you, it's because you're pudgy and a boring conversationalist. Find a gym and a hobby in that order.
Love,
Mary
P.S. I'm keeping the ring.
Jim set this on top of the others and turned to the fourth one, now absolutely certain that there would be nothing but bad news. What else could go wrong, after all? And yet, the next envelope was from The Late Show inviting him to come work for David Letterman. In his excitement, it took him a moment or so to realize that the letter was not actually addressed to him. So he turned to the last bit of mail, noticing that it was a single piece of paper rather than another envelope of dread news. Probably an advertising flyer, he thought.
Eviction Notice.
Jim let it fall into the pile of all the other opened mail. That was it. Then he read the papers and learned that the US had political infighting, the Middle East had terrorism, China had lead, and, of course, the earth was square. For a long time afterward he couldn't really bring himself to think about any of it, but after a while he could concentrate on the fact that the earth was square. Whether he could only think of the squareness of the earth because it was most distant from him or because he now no longer had the petty problems of everyday life clouding his judgment Jim wasn't sure. What he was certain of was that the earth's nearly-overnight geological upheaval would have to be dealt with. So Jim made up his mind to contact some of his former professors and see what the earth's new shape implied.
Jim took a shower, got dressed, climbed into his car, and drove off. The car broke down three blocks from his house. A quarter of a mile and forty-two minutes later, Jim was on a city transit bus slowly heading to his destination.
It took a while, but at last he was in the office of his old professor of economics. Jim asked the man what the sudden change in the earth's shape portended. His professor replied:
"It's hard to say, you know. Moving across faces of the earth has to be done carefully anymore so you don't fall off the edge of the world. I suppose trade and commerce are going to be more or less confined to each particular side. The world'll probably divide up into six squares of influence, and a major economic power will come to dominate each one. Military expeditions will probably become very difficult affairs between faces, so ultimately we just have to hope each face regulates itself.
"Unfortunately, the southern states are on one square and the northern stares are in another, so it'll be anyone's guess whether or not the United States makes it through this whole thing intact or if we'll be seeing a resurgent Confederacy. At least California's in the same square as D.C. Without them this place would collapse in Roman-style bisexual orgies and our power plants would fail. Of course, both of those are half-true already.
"But if you'll excuse me, this isn't too terribly important at the moment. I have to go birthday shopping for an aunt and then I have to get my daughter a new pacifier. She managed to eat most of the last one. My son suggested we stick balsa wood in her face, but he's the one that let his boa constrictor loose in the house last week. It tried to eat the cat, you know. I think I told you about that. Now his snake is dead, the cat's at the vet getting broken bits of fang removed from its hind leg, and my son wants to have it put to sleep for murdering that grotesque, slithering reptile. So many things to worry about and there just aren't enough hours in the day. Good-bye."
Jim thanked his former instructor, and with that the professor was summarily gone.
His curiosity was not satisfied, however, and so he went to his psychology professor. It took him a while to find the man, however, because the professor had slept late that morning and only recently arrived. Jim asked his professor what the widespread effects of the earth becoming square were likely to be. His professor replied:
"Well, it's hard to say, isn't it? Everybody's different after all. I think it's safe to say the more developed nations will react more calmly and rationally than the rest of the world. Except perhaps for the Germans, but that place is like one giant psych ward anyway, so as long as they don't take out their deep-seated sense of inadequacy on the Jews or some other poor ethnic minority, we'll all be fine.
"Hmmm... As I see it, there will probably be a number of religious interpretations as to the significance of this event, though you know I sincerely doubt that God has anything whatsoever to do with all this mess. There will probably be a lot of grief caused by this geological metamorphosis, so to speak. My, another German reference. Or Czech, rather. It's just that I have a very bright German student in class this semester. Very bright indeed. She's a stunner...
"Anyway, people will be divided from those they know and loved, some on one face of the world, some on another. It's a rather tragic situation. But if you'll excuse me, I have a class to teach and a date to get ready for afterwards. Good luck with Harvard Law, I hope you get in."
With that he was gone. Jim still wasn't satisfied (was, in fact, more dissatisfied than ever), and so he sought out the professor at the school of engineering and put the same questions to him that he had to the other two. The professor replied:
"Obviously we'll be building tunnels now, probably all along the edges of the world, to connect our face with the other faces. That's going to take a while though, and it'll be disorienting for people who end up using it. What are you gonna do, right? But tunnels are exciting."
After this, the engineering professor apologized, but he was about to be late for a meeting. With a hasty good-bye, he made his rapid exit.
Distraught by how everyone was not only unaware of his own problems but blithely ignored what had happened to the world, Jim wandered around campus for a long time trying to think of what to do. It occurred to him that he could write his local congressman, but he was unsure of whether or not the federal government could actually deal with the problems of an entire planet. He was not a history major.
He shook his head and, feeling at once resigned and rebellious in equal measure, went off to Ace Hardware to purchase a shovel.
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